So, let's hope bad news does NOT come in twos.

I was overly optimistic yesterday.

(Me? Shocking, I know.)

Y'all must be tired of me jerking you up and down in tandem with my emotions and my subsequent jerking-around by PC.

So no more boring details, especially for the gyno-squeamish.

Just this:

I no longer medically qualify for the Tanzania program.

I'll let you know what comes next as soon as I have a clearer idea of what it is. I'll land on my feet, even if I skin my knees first.

I am so blessed to have many loving family and friends to have my back, and even my virtual online friends who I've never met in person but have been so supportive and encouraging. My mantra is the thanks I give daily for you all. Namaste.

Good news comes in twos.

Good news, Part 1.

Accepted an offer on the house yesterday. It's pretty good. And such a relief to have that taken care of before I leave.

My Lola's been such a good little house. I'll miss her. But she's helping me get where I'm going next.

Good news, Part 2.

The colposcopy report came back today. NO dysplasia. NOTHING to keep me out of PC. Haven't gotten confirmation yet from the PC nurse that my medical hold has been cleared, but absolutely no reason to expect otherwise.

I feel a little foolish, now, for being so anxious this past week. But really, when one thin line can mean all the difference in what happens next in life, it's hard not to obsess over that line.

Y'all helped keep me sane. Thank you.


Currently reading:

"The Memory of Running" by Ron McLarty

Who lent me this? I was sure it was William (which made such perfect sense, and you should read it Wm!). If it was you, let me know so I can return it. It's been a lifesaver -- the only way I could get out of my head the past few days. Riveting story, timely message. Highly recommended.

Thanks, y'all!

Everyone's been so sweet and supportive. I can't thank you enough. 

Right now, PC won't tell me a thing until I get the colposcopy report back. Sure seems like it'll be cutting it close. But, much of this is out of my hands. 

I have Plans B, C and D in the works already. It may mean spending yet more money, but some type of international work experience is in my near future. 

Have a couple coming back for a second look at the house tomorrow, too. 

Cross yer fingers, y'all ... 

Worse than I thought.

I had not noticed a very minor change in diagnosis in this latest pap. If yesterday's biopsy confirms that diagnosis, there is still no cause for medical concern -- it is still a condition that any doctor in the real world would simply monitor, not treat. 

However, the change puts me in the PC category of deferral rather than clearance. I would need to be treated and then wait for confirmation of a normal pap before starting the placement process again. It likely would take several paps at three-month intervals before I could be cleared to relaunch the placement process. At that point, I probably would have to begin the entire medical process again. 

I won't know for sure until I get the biopsy. I have a letter ready with backup documentation from the CDC, National Cancer Institute and other medical organizations showing that this diagnosis requires only monitoring, not treatment. 

But I have to prepare for the likelihood that I will not be leaving in June. Or, more than likely, entering PC at all. Not because I am physically unfit to serve, but because I don't fit the bureaucratic box that must be checked. 

I have invested everything I have into realizing this dream. I've quit my job and lost any financial security. I am trying to sell my house and will be unable to afford it regardless of the PC outcome. My car lease is due and I can't afford to buy it or even a junker. I have just enough in liquid assets to see me through until I was to board the plane June 10. 

I have no desire to try to reclaim the job, the house, etc. 

But I also have no idea what will happen next. 

This scares me far more than any of the silly worries about snakes, spiders, solitude, sanitation or hardships of PC life. 

I may be out of touch for a few days. Alternatively, I may be excessively needy. Either way I ask for understanding/respect. Thanks. 

Medical clerance rant.

(w/TMI warning for those of the male persuasion)

PC approved my medical with the caveat that I need a pap every six months. That would put me at a June 4 appointment ... when I'm slated to leave June 8. So I went ahead and had one a couple of weeks ago.

Got the results yesterday. Same as the past several ... low-grade, nondysplasic, abnormal cells. Nothing I didn't expect, but it means another colposcopy, which means more money, more waiting and more worrying that this will keep me from getting on that plane in June.

Spoke with the PC nurse yesterday and she said everything's fine, just send in the biopsy results when I get them.

But woke this morning to an email message that I again have a medical hold on my PC status.

Angus on the PC Africa desk assures me that applicants often have a hold right up to the day they leave, and that as long as I can give PC medical what they need, even at the very last minute, I'll be good to go.

So I shouldn't worry.

But you know I do!

Waiting for Peace.*

(Warning: TMI alert!)


*Cribbed the title from some Peace Corps-related Web site. I like the double entendre.

The wait continues. My doctor called today. The pap smear came back from its second round of testing, and now I need a colposcopy ... the technical term for rummaging around up in my kootchie to look for any signs of cancer. Biopsy some tissue. It'll take about two minutes, and then another week or so to wait for those results.

I assume they'll be the same as last year's. A few cells of a low grade of a high-risk HPV strain. No cancer; not even any precurors to cancer. By my age, something like 80 percent of the population has had HPV come and go without even knowing it. Nothing, really, to worry about.

And I'm not -- not about that, anyway. Just really tired of being tested, in every sense of the word. I'm no longer afraid that high-risk HPV alone would eliminate me from PC consideration. But it's hard not to wonder whether something else is wrong. It's hard not to freak out about all the money this is costing me. And I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm not the most patient person in the world. ;-)

I'm ready to move on in the world, but the world's just not ready for me yet.

Called half a dozen people tonight; got half a dozen answering machines, and even my mommy hasn't called me back.

So I seek other diversions and go to bed early, referencing Tom Petty and Scarlett O'Hara.